Brian Pippin P.I.'s Crafty Christmas Disguises Advent Calendar...

Brian Pippin P.I.'s Crafty Christmas Disguises Advent Calendar released today.

Brian Pippin P.I. has released his very own advent calendar showcasing Brian Pippin P.I.'s crafty Christmas disguises! As we count down to Christmas see if you can spot Brian featuring in the festive scenes in each calendar window. Don't be disheartened if you can't spot Brian he will be very cleverly disguised! Even in the run up to Christmas Brian Pippin is.... The Master of Disguise!

So what is behind door number 1??

A Festive Snowman surprise! But where is Brian? Can you spot him in this Winter Wonderland scene?

Brian Pippin P.I.'s Crafty Christmas Disguises Advent Calendar is available in all good shops today! You can check back on www.lindseyfontaine.blosgspot.com throught December for exclusive access to this Brian Pippin P.I. based festive fun!

Stacey Solomon Parties Like a Celebrity...

Solomon parties like a celebrity!

Concerns have been raised for the health of Stacey Solomon, who can be seen partying like a celebrity on Iceland adverts during every advert break in every episode of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here this year. This series long binge has now seen Solomon glugging cocktails and gobbling party snacks from the popular supermarket chain for the last two weeks. A health expert commented "It is just not possible for the human body to keep up this level of partying like a celebrity for any length of time. If she is not careful Stacey may be storing up health problems for the future with this fortnight long binge of drinking, posed dancing, pretending to talk to other party goers and to top it off a diet of iceland party snacks, such as mini bannoffe pies and bite size prawn toasts." One source from the show said that producers have grave concerns that if she keeps up this current level of partying like a celebrity Solomon may end up all partied out by Christmas.

Sharp Pranks and Jokes...

Make sure you have a "fun house" this Christmas by buying "Pat Sharp's pranks and jokes" book, which is released this week. Pat has used his sharp sense of humour to pen this book, which contains his best pranks and jokes from his time in the jungle on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.  Pat reduced some of his camp mates to tears with his incessant jokey banter so if you want to make your grandmother cry.. with laughter this Christmas then buy Pat Sharp's pranks and jokes available in all good stockists as from Friday!

It's Snow Business as Usual For Frankie Cocozza....

Frankie Cocozza in a still from the video for Christmas single Frankie the Snowman

It has been revealed tonight that celebrity Frankie based band The Frankies have joined the race for Christmas number one with their new single Frankie The Snowman, due for release on the 1st December. Frankie Cocozza who was spectacularly booted off the X Factor earlier in the month and went onto form and provide lead vocals for The Frankies, who have been busy in the studio the last few weeks to record their debut single and hope to snatch the Christmas number one spot from the X Factor winner this year. The song tells the story of his rollercoaster time on the X Factor, meeting the other members of the Frankies and warns of the dangers of drugs. In addition to being the debut single of the Frankies it is also the debut of comedian Frankie Boyle as a rapper. Frankie The Snowman by the Frankies will be available to buy and download from the 1st December.

Frankie The Snowman

Frankie the Snowman 

is your cheeky chappy mate

with a fag in his mouth 

his big white face

and his eyes as big as plates

Oh Frankie the snowman

was all set to be a star

But there was too much snow

and the judges know

that he partied far too hard!

(rap break) He is a snowman a snowman he could never say no man.

The pubs and clubs, the clubs and pubs

and the house parties with fans.

Snow snow snow just say no no no

oh oh oh

Oh Frankie the snowman

he had never felt so low

when he packed his bags 

and he took his fags

and said goodbye to Barlow

Oh Frankie the snowman

How will the story end?

In a media storm

he feels nice and warm

now he's found his Frankie friends!

Temporary Adventures....

Which Floor?

Due to the fact I am very much not in demand in the world of work at the moment I have signed up for some office temping. It put me in mind of an embarrassing moment from my last temporary temping adventures! This took place in a lift in a corporate law firm. Having just got myself some nice soup for lunch from the restaurant (they don't have a canteen in a law firm they have a restaurant!) I found myself sharing the lift with a slightly stressed law type, suited, booted and with briefcase clutched in his tense grip. I thought I heard him say "What sort of soup have you got?" I cheerily answered "Tomato!" He looked a bit surprised and said "Pardon?" I said more quietly "tomato." to which he replied with a very puzzled look on his face "I'm sorry I said which floor do you want." I squeaked "Lower Ground please." Goodness knows what he made of my shouts of tomato in the lift that day but I was as red as my tomato soup as a result!


What embarrassing things have you done?? Do they come back to you in the night and make you burn with the embarrassment all over again??? Share them below please! It will make you feel better it really will and more importantly it will make me feel better!! 

Pippin Cracked Cocozza...

Cocozza pictured outside Funky Buddha nightclub prior to him being booted off of X Factor by a furious Barlow.
If you look very closely you may be able to spot Brian Pippin P.I. in the background of the shot tailing Cocozza.

If you have been wondering why we haven't seen much of Brian Pippin P.I. recently then this picture may shed some light on his whereabouts. It has emerged that a certain Mr G. Barlow had hired the services of Brian Pippin P.I. to tail suspect Cocozza during a week long bender prior to his shock departure of the X Factor a few weeks ago!

It won't surprise you to hear that Brian Pippin P.I. cracked the Cocozza case wide open, maintaining his his 100% solve rate. This is because Brian Pippin P.I. is The Master of Disguise!!!

Inside the World of Celebrity Eyebrows...

Bruce and Bernard McLintoch better known as the wildman of rock Liam Gallagher's stage eyebrows

Today we meet twins Bruce and Bernard McLintoch, who are better known as famous Oasis frontman and rock icon Liam Gallagher's stage eyebrows. Bruce and Bernard were born in 1965 and grew up in a small tenement flat in Glasgow's Springburn with their mother Flora, father Harold, a brush salesman, and 5 other siblings. They both left school at 16 and moved to Manchester in 1982 to find fame and fortune in the music industry. But it wasn't to be and what followed, Bruce and Bernard now term "the wilderness years." Bruce explains "We were in a band at that time called Frosted Octopus trying to hit the big time, me on Bass and Bernard on lead guitar. There was Mad Mikey Shaw on drums and Graham two shoes Michaelson on vocals, he was called two shoes as he would go on stage barefoot but wearing two shoes on his hands, that was his thing." But Frosted Octopus never did hit the big time and after 7 years the band fell apart due to the a heavy touring schedule and the addictions of some of its members. Mikey Shaw was heavily addicted to alcohol and prescription drugs and Bernard was addicted to Wella Styling Gel. "I was on 4 or 5 tubs a day at this point." Bernard shrugs "There was no hiding it from Bruce and the rest of the band I was gelled out my nut morning, noon and night. and it got worse when Frosted Octopus split man I was in Gel hell." With Bruce and Bernard now estranged from the rest of the band and each other it was the turning point for Bernard who booked into rehab, got clean and hasn't touched styling gel or any other product since.

The McLintoch twins reunited in 1991 and moved into a new house in Manchester to make a fresh start, next door lived a family called the Gallaghers and it was at a party at the Gallagher's house that Bernard and Bruce were introduced to Liam, who had just formed a band with some friends. Liam started to invite Bruce and Bernard along to rehearsals and after a few weeks formally asked them to join Oasis in the position of his stage eyebrows. "We were delighted." beams Bruce "We had a ball during our time in Oasis, we have travelled the world, we've partied with celebrities and we have played to crowds of thousands. " A lot is made of the relationship between Liam and his brother Noel Gallagher, who has since quit Oasis due to the rift between them. However, Bernard assures us that he and Bruce have never got on better. "I dunno it could be seeing Noel and Liam at each others throats all the time but me and Bruce have only got tighter since we have been Liam's stage eyebrows. We have a right laugh on stage but you'd never know it. Liam never cracks a smile. The man's a pro!" 

It is hard to know what the future holds for Oasis and for Bernard and Bruce, now in their late forties. With Liam and Noel currently locked in a bitter court battle it seems there will be no return to the glory days for this British band. However, Bernard and Bruce remain positive and excited for the future. Bruce laughs "We will continue to work as Liam's stage eyebrows for as long as he want's us to and as for everything else. Well.. we've just got to roll with it don't we?" 

Danny Dyers Deadliest Holiday Showdown...

Dyer soaking up the sun before the real life holiday showdown began!

It has emerged that ITV have had to scrap plans to screen new programme Danny Dyer's Deadliest Holiday Showdown when filming the holiday swap based show featuring Dyer and notorious Blackpool villain and hard man Johnny "Ironballs" Irons resulted in violent confrontation during an unplanned holiday showdown!


Danny Dyer's Deadliest Holiday Showdown was due to follow a similar formula to Holiday Showdown, which has been previously shown on ITV, but with the twist that it is Danny Dyer who takes an infamous "hard man" on a holiday of his choice for 3 days before embarking on a further 3 days on a holiday of the "hard man's" choice. However, plans to record a series of 6 episodes have been dumped after Dyer has branded the hard men chosen for the series "unpredictable" following an dramatic incident in which Irons attacked Dyer with a china plate during filming scenes at the dinner buffet at the Hotel El Savanya in holiday hot spot Magaluf on the island of Majorca. 


In scenes released to the media following a press conference with ITV bosses yesterday, Dyer is clearly seen just minutes before the attack shuffling about on the spot, sweating and saying that he "feels edgy" and that he is worried that "theres gonna be a tear up here." Ironically the last words Dyer utters before the plate based attack are "Calm down Johnny me old china!" Irons was arrested but later released on bail. In a statement released to the press Irons stated "I was a villain and a hard man in Blackpool in my younger years, but I have grown up and changed and I am no longer the thug I once was. However, Dyer's incessant cockney babbling would test the patience of a saint and I snapped. I apologise to Dyer, his family and ITV for this incident." 


So where does this leave Dyer, who has left a string of successful programmes on Bravo in to join the ITV team? Having now terminated his contract at ITV Dyer is currently in talks with the FX channel to launch a series in which he investigates real life crimes with a paranormal aspect entitled "Dyers Deadliest Paranormal Real Life Crimes." 

Saturday Night at the Movies - Snowtown...

The drinks in Cineworld are TOO BIG! There I've said it!

Q. Is there anything more depressing than going to the flicks in Glasgow by yourself on a Saturday night?

A. The only thing more depressing than going to the flicks in Glasgow by yourself on a Saturday night is choosing to watch Snowtown at said flicks in Glasgow by yourself on Saturday night. Mind you it would be still be more depressing even watching Snowtown with a loved one or an entire troupe of clowns. This film is grim, grim, grim. 

Spoiler alert: There aint no snow in Snowtown just hopelessness and depressing violence and lots of it!

It is the gruesome story of John Bunting, Australia's most notorious serial killer, who led and controlled others to cover up or take part in his crimes, including teenager Jamie and his mother Elizabeth Harvey. It is through Jamie's eyes that the story is told and what a horrible story it is. Bunting and his accomplices killed eleven people during the 1990's and although the film concentrates on the friendship between Bunting and Jamie and it's turn for the disturbing as he begins to exert his violent influence on him, it is drenched with extremely graphic depictions of the violence and has been slammed by one critic as "Depraved" and "close to a snuff movie." Wolf Creek is a walk in the park in comparison.

It was the Christmas shoppers I felt sorry for. Straight out the shops and into Cineworld and about ten minutes into the film they began to flee with their Christmas spirit in tatters. After the bleak opening of the film and the inkling that this was not a festive romp in a winter wonderland growing into a gigantic penny plummeting to earth, they could not get themselves and their shopping bags out of the cinema quick enough. I can only imagine the sick fear they must have felt that their lovely, shiny Christmas gifts may end up tainted by the on screen horror. No you will not ruin Granny's Christmas jammies with this filth - not on my watch!! It would be on a par with the parents in the new John Lewis advert opening that lovely big parcel, that their son has been so excited  to give them, only to discover it contains the severed head of Rudolph!? (Don't tell Santa I said that!)

So... Saturday Night at the Movies. Who cares which picture you see? I care! And so I warn  you don't go and see Snowtown. It's too grim. It may ruin the rest of your weekend and it will ruin your Christmas buzz. I am going to have to watch Home Alone 1, 2 and 3 today just to get back on an even keel! 

Pineapple Tart Preacher...

A nice man just handed me a leaflet on the street with a big picture of himself on the front which told the story of how he had gone from being deeply unhappy and an addict to the man he is today after finding the Lord. "Tell me more" I thought, "which lord is this? The Lord of the Dance? The Lord of the Rings?" But no it was the Lord Jesus Christ himself to whom he referred. This man had found God. Now I am a bit jealous as he seemed very happy and I was feeling a bit gloomy myself. "Maybe I would like a bit of God action." I thought. "Cheer me up a bit." But I was on my way to Morrisons not the house of God but the house of reasonably priced groceries. And what did I find in Morrisons? Not God or Jesus but some nice pineapple tarts and they have made me very happy indeed. I'm not mocking religion. My belief is that people should be free to believe what ever they please and if they believe in big JC then he exists as a result of their faith. But it all got me thinking what would happen if I were to hit the streets handing out leaflets about how I had found pineapple tarts and they changed my life. A nice wee photocopied leaflet with me on the front beaming holding a nice pig pineapple tart. How would people respond? Here is a snippet...

The turning point in my life came an hour ago when I saw the light, as you would say when I met the pineapple tarts on the shelf in Morrisons. It was there that these pastry based confectionery revealed themselves to me as my saviour. I was filled with joy and peace. I had a new hope in my life and knew that finding pineapple tarts marked a turning point for me. Since I have become an eater of pineapple tarts my whole life has changed and yours could too. If you let Them into your life pineapple tarts could bring their light and their glory to you.

Start up the photocopier!

Keep your eyes peeled for the manic street pineapple tart preacher coming to a town near you!

A Pitch for Infamous World Leaders and Despots Guess Who...

I aim to approach Guess Who to request the release a special edition of their popular two player guessing game, which instead of the usual familiar Guess Who faces, such as Richard, Max and Phillip, you have to instead guess which infamous world leader or despot from the last century your opponent has picked. Infamous World Leaders and Despots Guess Who would be a great teaching tool in schools across the country but equally would make a great gift for a loved one this Christmas! Picture the scene on Christmas day with all the family gathered round the Infamous World Leaders and Despots Guess Who board...

Is it a man?

Yes.

Eliminate Thatcher.

Does he have a beard?

No.

Eliminate Castro.

Does he have a moustache?

Yes.

Eliminate Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Chairman Mao, George Bush and Benito Mussolini.

Is he a Fascist?

No.

Eliminate Franco.

A Nazi? 

No.

Eliminate Hitler.... Only Stalin and Hussein left.

Did he kill a still unknown amount of people running into tens of millions through starvation, terror tactics and forced labour during his 31 year rule?

Yes.

It's Stalin!

A Political Party!

Cole salutes the nation.

Cheryl Cole is back and may be taking the charts by storm next week in a bold and surprising new musical move with her self penned single "I blame the Tories." 


Cole has taken a turn for the political with this track in which she dissects the current economic situation putting the blame firmly at the door of the coalition government, especially as the title suggests the conservative element, all to the tune of Lady Gaga's Paparazzi. Cole stated "People think I have been trying and failing to crack the U.S. market but that is not the case. Britain is my only concern at the moment and in my eyes it's falling apart. How better to voice my opinions on broken Britain than through my music. Gaga has given me her blessing to use the Paparazzi music for the cause as its instantly recognisable and ensures it will be a smash hit and a vehicle for raising the nations political awareness!" 


Cole has been holed up in the studio listening to Rage Against the Machine, The Clash and Dead Kennedys for inspiration and has come up with what she thinks will be the definitive political anthem for this year and next. Will I Am, who has been in the studio with the former nations sweetheart producing the track, exclaimed "Oh oh oh yes. Cheryl gives those conservatories what for!" A sneak preview of "I blame the tories" has been leaked and can be viewed on You Tube and a sample of the lyrics to  Cole's new single are below. 

I blame the Tories (to the tune of Paparazzi by Lady Gaga.)

In the U.K.

in Britain today

Our go-government

is a ruddy affront

the coalition put us is in a bad position

its a double dip 

recession blip

The unemployment

theres no enjoyment

Where is ruddy Clegg? I will kick him in the leg.

But you know that Britain I...

I love Gordon Brown I'd have followed him around to glory

I blame the.. I blame the tories

I remember Thatchers mess now read in the press the same story

I blame the.. I blame the tories

Its all gone downhill. The coalition is a bitter pill

But its Cameron more than Clegg to blame thats what I said. They're sorry.

I blame the.. I blame the tories

Junior Rabble....

The Apprentice's Nick remained unimpressed by the young apprentice's efforts to capture the over 50's market last night

Last night's Young Apprentice was a sad affair as we said cheerio to like-able, mop topped Liverpudlian Lewis Roman after a number of gaffes by this tongue tied entrepreneur. Last night saw Lewis ask one bemused seller if his designer shopping trolleys were multisex!? 

The task set by walnut faced Sir Alan Lord Sugar was to sell products to the over 50's market. Both teams having equally banal one word titles as usual, have escaped my notice/interest so lets call them Team A and Team B. 

Team A with Haya at the helm chose a pie maker, which caused Lewis an extreme amount of excitement as if he had never before seen the meat filled pastry snacks, and seemed to be the equivalent of a toastie maker for pies. What Lewis and Haya both glossed over is that the beauty of making a toastie is that you take two slices of bread and some filling out the fridge shove it all in and hey presto... a 5 minute snack! But with the pie maker presumably you have to make your pastry and your pie filling before shoving them all in your pie maker and hey presto... An arduous, time consuming 40 minute snack!? I feel for those who were mugged off in this pastry based swindle almost as much as the lady who was duped into buying the £300 dress made of old ties from creepy Chris in the last Apprentice. Team A's other product was a bird box containing a camera that you can link up to your television in order to watch said birds in said box. A strange product not so much for the over 50's market but more for the Bill Odie market, which is a very narrow market indeed. Not a big seller on the day but smug face, as I like to call Harry M, managed to shift a few to another stall holder in the closing hour. 

Team B, led by James, who can only be described as aggravating and looks like he is a Quentin Blake illustration come to life and jumped straight off the pages of a Roal Dahl book and into the competition. This team's products were the designer shopping trolleys, which it turned out were multisex and went down a storm with the multisex over 50's market, and a handheld hoover, which Karen Brady quipped "really cleaned up!" ....clap... long pause.... clap. It's lucky for Brady she has a good business brain and a strong brow as she has none of Nick's natural comic abilities! 

The totals were announced in the boardroom to James's delight and to Haya's dismay. Team B marched off to the London Eye to be treated to a performance by magician, Dynamo, who wowed the young apprentice hopefuls with an array of tricks. There was no magic moment for Lewis though (thanks for the gag Brady) as he was taken, with Hayley, back into the boardroom by Haya and unceremoniously booted out by Sugar. But only after listing all Haya's failings in the task. Go figure! Who knows where that firing finger will land!? Tune in next week to see if smug face or James get a taste of Sugars dismissive digit! We can only hope!

Inspired by Dance...

Inspired by Dance... Sandy Dance

Meet 19 year old Sandy Dance a young man from Bridlington who is trying to make it in the cut throat world of professional dance. Sandy has had a love of dance since an early age and made his stage debut aged 4, in the role of a rat in a musical version of The Pied Piper performed by the Bridlington young 'uns nursery in 1996. It should be pointed out that Sandy's surname is a happy coincidence rather than a deed poll change tribute to his one true love - dance. Sandy hopes to soon move to London to take on roles in West End Musicals and wishes to one day be a big dance star! When he is not dancing Sandy enjoys walking his dog Abdul named after celebrity pop star Paula Abdul, but he laughs "It's nothing like opposites attract. If me and Abdul took two steps forward and two steps back we would never get anywhere!" He also enjoys the novels of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle featuring famous detective Sherlock Holmes. Although he enjoys every second when dancing Sandy also believes there is a serious side to dance. "Dance can be used as a form of expression. I send a serious message about how I feel about the world when I dance." Let's see Sandy's message now. Introducing Sandy Dance...

If you guessed that Sandy was in fact expressing his frustration at the situation in the Middle East and his fear that a lasting peace may never be found then you are clearly tuned into the expressionist dance of Sandy Dance! Sandy Dance can currently be seen performing in a self choreographed, one man stage version of the popular 80's television series Knight Rider as the lead and indeed only role of Michael Knight in the Bridlington Arms on Tuesday 22nd November. Doors open at 7.30pm and tickets cost £2.50 with all proceeds going towards building a new wing in Bridlington General Hospital specialising in those injured through dance.

I love Bingo....

Legs Eleven! Britney in new add campaign for Mecca Bingo.

Mecca bingo has uncovered details of a new celebrity endorsement in their upcoming ad campaign. The full length television advert, which will be aired for the first time on Saturday night during the X Factor ad break sees Britney Spears recreating her famous I love Rock and Roll video, originally recorded by the Arrows in the 70's and then a hit for Joan Jett and the Blackhearts in 1981. Spears has replaced the original lyrics with catchy bingo related lyrics and instead of a motorbike straddles a giant bingo ball. It remains to be seen whether Mecca while enjoy the same response as the Yeo Valley spoof rap advert, which became a national talking point when it was featured in the same high profile ad space last year and was at one point tipped to be Christmas number one. Britney Spears has gone on record to say she is delighted to be affiliated with Mecca Bingo and is a big fan of the bingo hall. Spears may be a far cry from your stereotypical bingo-goer but it is all part of Mecca Bingo's plan to bring bingo to a younger audience in line with their online bingo campaign. Mecca's Jim who works in a bingo hall in Glasgow exclaimed "I can't wait for crowds of young Britney look alikes to come to Mecca. I certainly won't be keeping my eyes down... though I do hope we end up with a full house!"

The lyrics for I love Bingo (to the tune of I love Rock and Roll)

I saw him standing there by the bingo machine

I knew he must have been about sixty three

The bingo was going strong

He was calling those numbers all night lo-o-o-ng

I could tell it wouldnt be long till I had a line

yeah a line

Oh I knew it wouldnt be long till I had a line

yeah a line

Singing

I love Bi-ingo 

so pay another pound to the mecca baby

I love bi-ingo

So go and grab your dabber 

and play with me!

Ow!

He called twenty two and I was one step closer to win

Waiting on twelve, he called four oh hell! Took it on the chin

The bingo was going on

but I felt like I was alo- oh -oh -oh -one

I could tell it wouldn't be long till I called house

yeah full house

I knew it wouldn't be long till I called house

yeah full house

Singing

I love bi-ingo 

So pay another pound to the mecca baby

I love bi-ingo

So go and grab your dabber 

and play with me!

I love bi-ingo 

so pay another pound to the mecca baby

I love bi-ingo

so go and grab your dabber

and play bingo! 

TOWIE questions...

Yours truly puzzled and befuddled

Having just watched last night's episode of The Only Way is Essex on ITV player questions are buzzing about my head like bees in a biscuit barrel. If you have answers to any or all of my TOWIE based questions please comment below as I am genuinely puzzled. Here are my TOWIE questions:

Q1. Did Mark Wright whisper to James Arg Argent when he was hugging him You will reach the stars?

       and if so...

Q2. Is this acceptable for one man to whisper to another in the UK today?

Q3. Does Joey Essex honestly wear those weird 70's/80's shiny sports shorts in real life or are they an "in joke" on set?

Q4. In light of the scene in last night's episode where Joey Essex and James Arg Argent attempted to (and I don't like saying this but there is no nice way to put it.) light their own and each others farts, is ITV carrying out some kind of test for the government to gauge the lethargy of the country following the riots in England a few months ago? Or some kind of psychological experiment to see if people will watch literally anything on T.V.?

Q5. Is the lighting of farts a true thing that men/boys do??

       and if so...

Q6. Why???

If you can shed any light on the questions above please let me know otherwise I will have to get Brian Pippin P.I. ... Master of Disguise to take a trip to Essex to get to the bottom (pun intended) of this. If truth be told I can't really afford to pay for Brian's outlandish expense claims so if you have the answers you would be doing me a big favour!

The Wright Stuff...

The Wright Stuff - The Oppression of Women in Post Modern Essex available soon in all good retailers priced £12.99

Following his tearful departure from The Only Way is Essex in last night's show Mark Wright is on his way to the Australian jungle to take part in this years I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. However, it seems like Mark Wright has more strings to his bow. Surprisingly Wright has penned his first book - The Wright Stuff - Ending The Oppression of Women in Post Modern Essex. A critique of the post modern consumerism driven world of Essex and the oppression that women face within it. Partly responding to Germaine Greer's famous, groundbreaking The Female Eunuch, and part landmark text bringing feminism slap bang into a new decade.

Wright explores issues that are affecting women, not just in Essex but all over the western world today. He describes the shackles of hair extensions and the branding of fake tan marking women and keeping them from realising their true potential. In one chapter Wright dissects the trend for fake nails, fake boobs and fake bums that have swept the female nation and concludes it is the result of male oppression molding women into human barbies unable to fend for themselves as they are physically unable to carry out the most simple of tasks such as opening a jar of pickles. 

Bed hopping Mark Wright seems an unlikely Feminist icon and has surprised his fans and critics alike with the direction his first book has taken, with one TOWIE fan tweeting "OMG! Mark Wright feminist?? PMSL! Would never have guessed he's really a ladeee!?" The world of Academia has similarly been shocked Wright's efforts. Professor Harriet Hausmann author of " Women, women, women are you looking for a good time? Women and leisure in 20th century Britain" and "There's more to life than bingo but it's a good start. Women's issues in the 21st Century" stated "Not since Greer published her groundbreaking Female Eunuch in the 70's has there been such a development in the women's liberation movement. Mark Wright will change the world. As women break free from the big hair, big boobs, high heels mentality and embrace the Wright Stuff a new wave of feminist theory begins." 

It seems that nobody was more surprised at this turn of events than Mark Wright himself who stated "I dunno I was just working hard on being the King of Essex, preparing mentally for going into the jungle and scribbling down a few ideas on the side when bam! Mark Wrights back and he has got the Wright stuff! I'm just hoping that women will see there's more to Mark Wright than sex god, footballer, fit body you know? I want them to see the real Mark Wright... and then I want them to come home with me... haha nah I'm only kidding! Or am I? Boom! Mark Wright is back!" It remains to be seen if Mark Wright will be crowned the King of the Jungle but at the moment his pioneering feminist theories will ensure success in his writing career. The Wright Stuff -  Ending The Oppression of Women in Post Modern Essex is coming out this week to coincide with the start of Mark's jungle adventures.

The Frankies...

The picture that sparked rumours - Frankie Cocozza snapped leaving Frankie Boyle's home earlier today.

After being sensationally booted off the show earlier today in a shock twist this weekend's X Factor live shows will see Frankie Cocozza return to perform as part of newly formed group "The Frankies." which is made up entirely of well known "Frankies" from the world of comedy, sport, music and oddly crime. The line up of the Frankies is revealed today as a world exclusive... 

The Frankies will feature X Factor hopeful Frankie Cocozza on vocals; Controversial comedian Frankie Boyle on lead guitar; Successful jockey and restauranter Frankie Detorri on bass guitar, Former member of girl group The Saturdays Frankie Sandford on percussion and finally notorious ex-criminal and gang member Mad Frankie Fraser on drums.

It is claimed that Gary Barlow is supportive of Frankie's decision to team up with other famous Frankies to form a Frankie based supergroup. "I'm delighted that Frankie has found musical soulmates in these other Frankies. I have seem them in rehearsals today and I have been blown away by how good they sound. Mad Frankie Fraser is keeping Frankie in check too and that is what that boy needs the guidance of an ex member of the criminal underworld to keep him focused at this stage in his career." 

A source with access behind the scenes at X Factor claims that judge Tulisa is furious at the decision to allow The Frankies to perform on Saturday's show. Tulisa, who mentors the groups, blasted "I think it's a joke that The Frankies have already been lined up for a live performance when Nu Vibe and the Risk have been thrown on the scrapheap like yesterday's moldy toast." It is claimed that on hearing the news Louis exclaimed "I like Frankie Boyle. I do! He looks like a popstar, he sounds like a popstar, he is a popstar!" he then added "I like Frankie Detorri. I do! He looks like a popstar, he sounds like a popstar, he is a popstar!" He then went on to say the same thing about the other 3 members of the newly formed Frankies. Kelly Rowland is said to have remarked "They got it down, they got it down!" before remarking more loudly "They got it down! They got it down!" 

It is rumoured that The Frankies will kick off their debut as a group on Saturday by covering the smash hit  "Bubbling Hot" by Pato Banton, which advocates equality and harmony between people of different backgrounds and appearance. Frankie Cocozza was heard to say "It sums us up perfect man... The Frankies are bubbling hot!" Tune in on Saturday to see if Frankie can turn his career around with this bold move. 

The Eyes of Nicki Minaj...

Beware!!

Nicki Minaj is always watching!!

Channel 4 launch "Nicki Minaj is always watching" their new reality T.V. show tonight at 10pm to much controversy. "Nicki Minaj is always watching" sees U.S. music artist Nicki Minaj living inside the walls in the homes of unsuspecting members of the British public, who have been nominated by friends and family to take part in the show. Every night channel 4 will be broadcasting footage of Nicki Minaj from hidden cameras and Minaj-cam, which has been cleverly installed directly into the eyes of Nicki Minaj, as she sneaks around contestant's houses. Nicki will be required to break into these homes and live in crawl spaces, attics, basements and any hiding place she can find in order to closely watch the residents and evade discovery for as long as possible. Nicki must live by foraging from the cupboards and fridges of the homes in which she is squatting unbeknownst to those who live there.As soon as she is discovered contestants must shout "Nicki Minaj is always watching." and try to catch Nicki who will then flee to the next contestants home.  The winning contestant who can capture Nicki will win a prize fund, which starts tonight at £1000 and doubles each night until Minaj is captured.

A scene from "Nicki Minaj is always watching" which launches tonight at 10pm on channel 4

Some critics have branded the show "sick" believing it will encourage burglary and stalking to break out across the country in a "crime mania" similar to the looting seen in the recent U.K. riots. Executives at Channel 4 defend the concept of NMIAW, as it is now been named by those debating the show on Twitter, by stating that "it is only a bit of fun." Professor Alan Crumble from the Psychology Department of University of Towcester disagrees stating "This will not be fun for those who discover to their surprise the American music artist Nicki Minaj has been living alongside them and watching them every hour of every day. I imagine it will be quite harrowing for them. Think of their children for gods sake." Nicki Minaj herself has been unavailable to comment as she is currently in an unspecified location until tonight's launch show at 10pm. 

Inside the World of... Celebrity Moustaches!

Tim's hollywood smile!

Today we meet Tim Henderson, world famous moustache of Hollywood actor Tom Selleck. Tim has been working as the trademark moustache of Tom Selleck for over twenty years. Their successful partnership started in 1990 after Tom parted ways with his previous moustache Albert Stanton following Albert's struggle with alcohol and drug abuse. Despite years of working together by the time Tom and Albert were enjoying success in the 1980's as Magnum P.I. and the moustache of Magnum P.I. respectively, there was a huge rift between the two off screen due to Albert's instability and violent outbursts. Famously Tom Selleck had to use an understudy moustache for some scenes in 3 men and a baby and the final series of Magnum P.I. But since Tom Selleck has teamed up with Tim Henderson the duo have gone from strength to strength playing a number of roles on the big screen, such as the smash hit blockbuster 3 Men and a little lady, and on the smaller screen aswell. It was while playing the role of Richard's moustache on the hugely popular comedy series Friends that Tim first met his wife Amanda, who was a producer on the show. 

Now entering their 22nd year of working together Tom Selleck and Tim Henderson are currently starring together in the second series of Blue Bloods, where Tim plays the moustache of New York Police Commissioner Frank Reagan. Tim describes the cast as one big happy family. "We have a lot of laughs between takes" chuckles Tim. "Tom will say to me.. Ready Tim? Give me your best performance. And I'll say... Okay Tom. Hair I go! Oh yes that really tickles Tom it gets him every time!" Tim currently lives in Malibu, California with his wife Amanda and their cat Monty. When he is not filming for his role of the moustache of Frank Reagan Tim enjoys keeping trim at the gym, playing golf with friends and wine tasting. 

Louis Theroux... America's Most Dangerous Pets

Oh how I love Louis Theroux! His bespectacled faux naivety never failing to draw those he encounters to spill more than they meant to and certainly more than they would to a Paxman haranguing. His softly softly catchee monkey approach really came into play in the recent documentary "Louis Theroux - America's Most Dangerous Pets." Though there was the unsettling fear throughout the show that the monkey, bear, tiger, lion or chimpanzee may in fact catchee Louis. Especially when Cooper the chimp smashed through the window of the house in which Louis and crew were cowering from his animal antics! But why would our stateside friends, who are known for their quiet, sensible approach to life keep animals better suited to roaming the wild in their own back yard!? There was women with child substitute monkeys that they showered with cuddles and kisses and dressed in children's clothing and jewellery. (What sort of establishment would pierce a monkey's ears!?) and then there were men with a power substitute parade of tigers or lions on leashes. Then there was Joe Exotic, an odd character somewhat summed up by his juxtaposition of a name, if you were going to the trouble of changing your surname to Exotic would you not be tempted to spice up your forename too!? Joe owns and runs a wildlife park consisting of 1400 animals, mainly lions and tigers or a combination of the two. Joe's forte is in fact the interbreeding of lions and tigers making ligers and tiligers and his latest project combining a liger and tiliger to create... wait for it... a saber tooth tiger!? I am not questioning Joe he is after all the expert! Joe's claims that if his wildlife park goes bankrupt he will euthanize all 1400 animals only added to an image of a crazy, mixed up, cross between Hitler and Noah, wiping out the animals two by two. So there you have it Louis gave us a glimpse of the plight of wild animals kept by a range of selfish or deluded odd balls. What's next for Louis? Louis Theroux.. America's most hated octopus or perhaps Louis Theroux... America's most dangerous musuem. Who knows! But I will be tuning in that is for sure!

Brian Pippin Investigates...

...The Case of the Wheelie Bin Fiend!

Shhh everyone Brian is on a stake out!

You may not believe this but  Brian Pippin is in this picture above. You probably won't spot him as he is very cleverly disguised. Brian is on the case of the Wheelie bin fiend who has "bin refuse(ing)" to stop putting their rubbish in somebody else's wheelie bin! What sort of a depraved monster are we dealing with I hear you gasp! Well never fear Brian Pippin P.I. is here! With his previous solve rate of 100%, his logical mind and ability to solve puzzles quickly and of course the fact that Brian Pippin P.I. is... the Master of Disguise! Brian Pippin will have the case of the Wheelie Bin Fiend cracked wide open in no time... 

Watch this space!