Tales from the Biscuit Tin: No. 3 in series....

Poor Tea.

 A sad tale from the biscuit tin this week. Its the riches to rags tale of the biscuit who used to be known as the Rich Tea. Up until recent years Rich Tea enjoyed the wealth and lifestyle you would expect from Britain's most wealthy biscuit. However, the recent expansion and globalisation of the cake and biscuit industry, which has seen the boom times for the chocolate biscuit, has left this biscuit broke and sadly poor tea can now be seen living on the streets in UK towns and cities. 

The Rich Tea biscuit in happier times pictured enjoying success in 1948.

Poor tea now dreams of being spotted and given a make over by biscuit and cake mogul Mr Kipling in the hopes of hitting the big time once more!

We Found Glove....

We Found Glove 

Lonely glove without its pair

left on the pavement no-one cares

Soaking wet out in the rain

a lost hat or scarf can't feel the pain

of a lonely glove who's lost his pair

but he's got to let it go

We found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

A lonely glove looks all around

but his pair just can't be found

And he can cry and he can moan

but this glove must go it alone

He's a lonely glove who's lost his pair

but he's got to let it go

We found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

Tales From the Biscuit Tin - No. 2 in Series....



My ex-friend Bourbon biscuit.

A sad tale from the Biscuit tin this week... meet Bourbon biscuit, who used to be a good friend of mine. Oh we've had some good times over the years! But since the start of January I have had to face the fact that I can no longer be friends with Bourbon. He is a bad influence on me. I now have a new group of friends like apple, banana and carrot sticks. They're not as much fun or as sweet as Bourbon but they're good for me.

Oh Bourbon you used to be the one

Me and you we used to have such fun

But my arch enemy the dentist

said we'd have to end our friendship

Every time I pass the biscuit tin

I wonder bourbon if you're in

and if you are I can not crack.

On you I have to turn my back.

But as I go to the fruit bowl I can't disguise

The tears that fall down from my eyes

But my heart I can not risk it

Oh how I miss you Bourbon biscuit!

Christmas - The Aftermath...

Chilling scenes in a popular Glasgow park earlier today. 

In what authorities have described as "Christmas tree recycling" the public have been urged to take their unwanted Christmas trees to a "reprocessing point." The site of this tree based horror is a car park in one of Glasgow's largest public parks, where the abandoned trees will be chipped and shredded and scattered in the area. Trees across the globe have sent messages of support to the their pine cousins in the UK. Trees based in the rainforests of South America, who have sadly lost a large part of their population in the last fifty years, have encouraged them to fight back by shedding their needles onto carpets in homes and cars across the country and by pricking those who try to dispose of them in this manner. 


At the same time as this Christmas tree killing spree many have also fallen victim to bad weather over the last month with several trees being uprooted during the hurricane force winds. I urge you to spare a thought for those trees left standing this January it will be a bleak start to the year for those who are pining for their lost forest friends. 

Oh the Irony: No. 1 in series Captain Jack Startle....

 

In the first of the "Oh the Irony" Series, in which we focus on those who are living an ironic life, we meet 65 year old Jack Startle who captains fishing boat The Angry Kracken off the coast of Cornwall. Captain Startle ironically suffers from a rare form of Tourettes syndrome - Nautical Tourettes Syndrome, otherwise called NTS. Sufferers of Nautical Tourettes Syndrome shout out words of a nautical nature involuntarily and without warning. Jack has suffered from NTS all his life but claims his condition had no bearing on his decision to make a living from the sea. Startle states "It's a sailors life for me, I'm no landlubber. People try to make fun of me and make me look like an ANCHOR fool but I just think they are ignorant BARNACLES. My father's life was fishing SHIP and my life is fishing SHIP."

Hats off to Captain Jack who weathers the storm of Nautical Tourettes Syndrome everyday in his life on the open seas. 

Happy New Detox....

Poor Fontaine - Done in!

Well well well 2012 is here! Because I greeted the new year as tradition dictates, by being far far far too drunk, I inevitably spent New Years Day in my jammies watching Only Fools and Horses and crying so... 

(belated) Happy New Year one and all!

Cut me out these jammies

and take off my Christmas socks.

Switch Only Fools and Horses off

it's time for the festive binge detox.

Pack away the decos

and the sequined, sparkly frocks.

Hoover up the pine needles

and start to ration out the chocs.

Take the empties to the bottle bank

of vodka, gin and wine.

After Christmas it's unacceptable

to drink before lunchtime!