Cakearma... No. 3 in series - The death of a sweet tooth

Following a lot of trouble with my teeth (one troublemaking molar in particular!!) and numerous trips to the dentists, despite my dentists being very handsome indeed and the fact that I live in the dawn of the age of DVD goggles, (You can watch a DVD on goggles!!!!) I have decided to abstain from sweets and cakes...and inevtibaly happiness as a result!? I am trying my very best to say cheerio to all my good friends from the world of confectionary and feel very sad indeed that my adventures with my friends from the biscuit tin are over! But c'est la vie.. everything passes so they say!

 

 

The Death of a Sweet Tooth

 

The sun sets and then it rises

Life is short and full of surprises

The only certain thing is nothing lasts

So love what is as all things must pass

Don't fixate on a twix you ate

or hear a wispa from the past call your name

Don't dream I beg of a Cadbury's cream egg

or a lion bar you once had to tame

A macaroon is often gone too soon

A french fancy is fleeting but great

Though the pineapple tart is always in your heart

only crumbs remain on the plate...

The Spritzer Plan - No. 1 in series....

Beware!! You think Tequila is your amigo....

...but Tequila is dangerous. It can turn on you....

... Join the Spritzer Plan. (Before it's too late!)

Cakearma... No. 2 in series.

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mr Kipling comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, cake for me.

And in my hour of darkness

Cakes are sitting right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, cake for me.

Cake for me, Cake for me, cake for me, cake for me.

Whisper words of wisdom, Cake for me.

And when the really hungry people

Living in the world agree,

Cake could be an answer, cake for me.

For though they may like savoury snacks there's

Still a chance that they will see

Cake could be the answer, Cake for me.

Cake for me, Cake for me. Cake for me, Yeah cake for me.

Cake will be an answer, Cake for me.

Cakearma...

And in the end....

..The cake you take...

is equal to the cake you make... (or buy!)





In the Summer Time - A Tribute to a Summer in Glasgow....

If Mungo Jerry had spent a summer in Glasgow they may not have been so upbeat!?

In the summer time when the weather is... beep,

you can stay in bed and catch up on your sleep.

In the summer time you wear PJs, you wear PJs all the time!

In the summer time when the weather is... bad,

and there's more rainfall than we've ever had.

In the summer time you got roast dinners, got roast dinners on your mind!

In the summer time when the weather is... blarg,

you can't even get from your house to the park.

In the summer time you feel like Noah, feel like Noah in his ark!

In the summer time when the weather is... crap,

and you pray to god that he'll turn off the tap.

In the summer time you take your brolly, take your brolly in your bag!

Tales From the Biscuit Tin - No. 5 in series.... The Empire Strikes Back

A frightening tale from the biscuit tin this week which tells the story of when the biscuit bites back!

It seemed the the destruction of the empire biscuit community was imminent as one hungry office worker systematically chomped her way through no less than 5 empire biscuits a week over a period of months. This scoffing spree devasted the Empire biscuit population and created a growing resentment amongst those biscuits who had so far survived her ravenous rampage.

This resentment exploded in violence last week when the empire biscuit that our hungry villain had her eye on literally bit back and devoured it's adversary with an appetite in two bites.

Her colleagues later commented "She had a sweet tooth and she just couldn't resist the cherry topped treat. That cherry was a beacon to her. A beacon I tell you!"

The Empire Biscuit community have supported the biscuit in questions vigilante actions and have pledged to carry out similar attacks on anyone who approaches an empire biscuit with a hungry gleam in their eye. So...

...beware when choosing your teabreak snack
that the treat you choose doesn't bite back!
The cherry topped empire looks so appealing
But if it bites you first then you will be squealing
Go for a hobnob or a pink wafer
Although a bit dull a wafers much safer!

The Terrors That Lie Within.....(No.1 in series)

The Terrors That Lie Within.... The Stationery Cupboard!?!

Beware!!!! Terror and Horror can lie in the most unexpected of places. A quick glance through any accident book in the workplace will reveal the stationery cupboard to be a dark place of danger. Almost 85% of accidents in the UK take place in office stationery stores and I myself have fallen victim to this terrible terrible place.

Beware when opening the Samurai envelope...

In 2010 I suffered a papercut so bad that it reduced my normally professional work place persona to a blubbering wreck. The villain of this piece is an envelope! OMG I hear you say!? Yes a seemingly harmless paper product most commonly used as a carrier for the delivery of letters from one location to another. But what happens when envelopes turn bad!? Unfortunately what happened is too gruesome and bloody to describe in this pre watershed blog so I will let your imagination fill in the blanks. Needless to say I suffered the worst papercut a human being could endure. It later emerged that the envelope in question had been a samurai sword in a previous life and had retained its lethal sharpness in it's new incarnation as office stationery. But how was I to know!? I can only hope that my story will serve as a warning to others to beware of the terrors that lie within.... the stationery cupboard!

... it bites!

Next time we hear about "The Terrors That Lie Within.... The Garden Centre." Where one pensioner recently got more than they bargained for on a trip to popular garden centre Dobbies... Watch this space!