What I would do if I were on X Factor and some Frankie Cocozza related crimping...

Frankie Frankie they make you look manky.
Frankie Frankie your legs they look too lanky..
If those trousers get tighter you'll be in for a shock
They'll squeeze your legs to nothing and you'll end up with no... legs!

Ohhhhh Frankie Frankie they make you look manky
Frankie Frankie your legs they look too lanky!
If those trouser's get tighter it is going to get silly
They'll squeeze your legs to nothing and you'll end up with no.... legs!

I will never be on X Factor. I don't really like singing, but what I do like is shouting at the telly as to what I would do if I were on X Factor.

Here is a list of what I would do if I were on X factor...

1. I would say "No I shan't wear those trousers. I think they may belong to a small child. Sure my legs are skinny, but squeezing them into these clingers will only serve to highlight their narrow appearance and make this already ridiculously large barnet look larger!?" Now it could be there was a mix up backstage and Frankie's trousers somehow got muddled with the big faced girl from Rythmix, hers also seemed rather ill fitting and a bit wacky. Or maybe it was a prank. I don't know if trouser swapping is something the youngsters are into in between tweeting and gobbling chips like crazed seagulls, but there was definitely something afoot in the trouser department that week. I think Kitty is on the right track, point blank refusing to wear any trousers from week to week. She is happier in her pants than having legs like pipe cleaners!

2. I would not allow them to talk about my personality for a longer duration each week than I spend singing throughout the whole contest. Poor Sophie's nice quiet personality has now developed a personality of it's own, which one journalist described as feisty, and leaves me with the fear that the shadowy figures behind X factor (Cowell) are setting that poor girl up for mental health issues in the future. But then again they have given her a lovely fringe so it's swings and roundabouts really. The judges should spend less time talking about her personality and more time choosing her a nice hat to bolster/replace her personality as per Ricky circa 2009.

3. I would not allow them to make me sing Purple Rain. Purple Rain??... again!.. really!? The Purple Rain again falls mainly on the ears of disgruntled X factor viewers! After Misha B's rendition I had to visit my local GP who has diagnosed me to be suffering from PRRPS or to give it it's full title Purple Rain Related Pain Syndrome. I know what you're thinking... OMG PRRPS PMSL! Its no laughing matter I can assure you. "No" I would say if I were on X Factor "It's rock week and I am going to stick to my guns and sing Slide it in by Whitesnake!"

Fontaine's suggestions

Why not try replacing the word "leg" with the word "Frankie." As in "My Frankies are a bit cold this weather." or "Aw man I've just dropped gravy down my Frankies!"

Or...

In a dramatic situation why not try diffusing the tension by replacing cursing with a full blown "Frankie Cocozza." As in "What in the name of Frankie Cocozza are you doing here??" or "What the Frankie Cocozza is Frankie Cocozza wearing on his Frankies this week??"