The Haymaker Meets His Match...

 Lets hope it is fought in the right spirit when Haye meets Acorah in the ring!

I don't know what all the fuss is about. I for one am looking forward to boxing champ David Haye going head to head with Derek Acorah, well known spiritualist and star of Living TV's Most Haunted. Haye has been haunted by the scenes from last weeks press conference, which ended in a brawl between him and Medium weight Acorah. The controversial scenes shocked the nation and has left boxing fans calling for the grudge to be settled in the ring. Keep your eyes open for this impending fright night as it's sure to be spectretacular!

Danny Dyson's Deadliest Hardmen Hoovers...

Danny Dyson

Danny Dyson's Deadliest Hardmen Hoovers is a gritty and hard-hitting documentary series that sees Danny Dyson venturing into the dark depths of the British vacuum cleaner underworld and hunting down some of the most notorious and feared vacuum cleaners in Britain today. In this week's episode Danny Dyson meets Henry "the Hatchet" Hoover, whose trademark hatchet nozzle attachment strikes fear into the heart of dust and dirt across the UK. Dyson warns "Henry the Hatchet is not a hoover you want to make a mug of!" He is well known for his violent outbursts which leaves crumbs quaking and cobwebs cowering in fear of his wrath. As Dyson quips"Henry "the Hatchet" Hoover brings a whole new meaning to Shake and Vac."

Henry "The Hatchet" Hoover

Next week Danny Dyson meets Mad Vax the Carpet shampooing strangler whose infamous retractable cord has deadly repercussions for his enemies.

Dreams....

Fontaine's dreams

As eye patch wearing singer Gabrielle sings "dreams can come true" and my dreams of owning a slice of dual cyclone technology will be coming true when I pick up my shiny new Dyson this Friday! This may seem like a modest dream to some but overhearing (eavesdropping on) some children chatting in the Burrell Collection today it seems that some people dream bigger than others. 

Little Girl: If you had a million billion squillion pounds and you could buy anything in the world, whatever you wanted, what would you buy?

Little boy: I think I'd probably buy.... eh.... an iPhone 4S.

Little Girl: I would buy a holiday for two weeks.

Little Boy (realising that he has aimed a bit low in spending the million billion squillion pounds): Do you know what I would buy else?

Little girl: (Lost interest in the conversation crawling under the museum benches)

Little Boy (More loudly): Do you know what I would buy aswell?

Little girl: (disinterested) what?

Little Boy: A Time machine! 

Litttle Girl (Awestruck): Ooohh! If you could go back in time to any time in the whole wide world what time would you go back to?

Little Boy (serious face): Buckingham Palace. 

Little girl: To see the queen?

Little Boy: Yeah.

This boys wasting his million billion squillion pounds on a time machine when what he wants to buy is a train ticket. But at least his dreams of spending this imaginary fortune moved up a step from an iPhone 4S. I hope this isn't what the majority of children are dreaming of these days. I used to dream of flying houses. And now that the Dyson dream will be realised who knows what I'll be dreaming of....

The Greatest Glove Songs...

My Endless Glove

Why not treat the other half of your pair to The Greatest Glove Songs album this Valentines day. Featuring hits such as... 

My Endless Glove...

My glove, there's only you in my drawer, 

I can't fit in any more. 

My first glove, knitted by hands for hands, 

as snug as once was planned. 

And I, I want to share, my glove with you, 

No other glove will do. 

And my arm it tells me how warm it is. 

Oh yes, you will always be, my endless glove.

Two hands, two hands but just one glove. 

it can keep the whole world snug. 

Forever, I'll wear you up my arms, 

I can't resist your charm. 

My glove, I'll be a fool, for your wool I'm sure, 

You know I don't mind. 

Cause you, you mean the world to me. 

Oh, I know I've found in you, my endless glove.

And glove, I'll be that fool for your wool, I'm sure. 

You know I don't mind. 

And yes, you'll be the only glove. 

Cause no one can deny, 

This glove I have its fine. 

I'll give it all to you...

My glove, my glove, my endless glove.

The Greatest Glove Songs album hits the shops on February 14th just in time for Valentines day... That's handy!

Tales from the Biscuit Tin: No. 3 in series....

Poor Tea.

 A sad tale from the biscuit tin this week. Its the riches to rags tale of the biscuit who used to be known as the Rich Tea. Up until recent years Rich Tea enjoyed the wealth and lifestyle you would expect from Britain's most wealthy biscuit. However, the recent expansion and globalisation of the cake and biscuit industry, which has seen the boom times for the chocolate biscuit, has left this biscuit broke and sadly poor tea can now be seen living on the streets in UK towns and cities. 

The Rich Tea biscuit in happier times pictured enjoying success in 1948.

Poor tea now dreams of being spotted and given a make over by biscuit and cake mogul Mr Kipling in the hopes of hitting the big time once more!

We Found Glove....

We Found Glove 

Lonely glove without its pair

left on the pavement no-one cares

Soaking wet out in the rain

a lost hat or scarf can't feel the pain

of a lonely glove who's lost his pair

but he's got to let it go

We found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

A lonely glove looks all around

but his pair just can't be found

And he can cry and he can moan

but this glove must go it alone

He's a lonely glove who's lost his pair

but he's got to let it go

We found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

Tales From the Biscuit Tin - No. 2 in Series....



My ex-friend Bourbon biscuit.

A sad tale from the Biscuit tin this week... meet Bourbon biscuit, who used to be a good friend of mine. Oh we've had some good times over the years! But since the start of January I have had to face the fact that I can no longer be friends with Bourbon. He is a bad influence on me. I now have a new group of friends like apple, banana and carrot sticks. They're not as much fun or as sweet as Bourbon but they're good for me.

Oh Bourbon you used to be the one

Me and you we used to have such fun

But my arch enemy the dentist

said we'd have to end our friendship

Every time I pass the biscuit tin

I wonder bourbon if you're in

and if you are I can not crack.

On you I have to turn my back.

But as I go to the fruit bowl I can't disguise

The tears that fall down from my eyes

But my heart I can not risk it

Oh how I miss you Bourbon biscuit!