The Wonders of Science - No. 1 in Series...

The Crab Apple

Scientists shocked the world last night when they announced they have succeeded in splicing the DNA of a crab with the DNA of an apple to produce the world's first crabapple. 

This scientific breakthrough which mixes fruit and crustacean to form a fruistacean has left many shell shocked as they struggle to process the implications of this gamble with nature.

Many politicians have branded the scientists behind the creation of the crabapple as "irresponsible" and slammed their laboratory based antics as "playing god."

One of the leading scientists at the core of the crabapple creation has described it as a "very angry creature."

It is unclear what the next step may be in this DNA tombola. An inside source of the Scientific institute where the crabapple came to fruition has leaked the possibility of the team working to create a lobanana where the DNA of a lobster is mixed with that of a banana. 

Watch this space...

Geese Police - No. 1 in Series...

Have a gander at the newest member of Police Scotland...

Police Scotland are set to launch trials of a new crime fighting strategy that will see squads of angry geese keeping the peace on the streets of Glasgow. As a result of rising crime rates Glasgow's police force has felt under increased pressure to tackle violent and anti social behaviour leading to the recent decision to launch the geese police. There are hopes that this scheme could slash crime figures by up to 53%

The geese will be kept hungry and gaggles of the furious feathered crime fighters will be released at crime hotspots to round up troublemakers with honking, hissing, the flapping of wings and possibly the pecking or biting of offenders.

Critics of plans to police Glasgow's streets with angry geese have labelled the scheme "preposterous." and "bird brained" However, the Chief of the Geese Police - Goose handler Inspector Featherbottom is confident that the initiative will keep potential criminals in check. The Inspector recently enthused "Angry geese patrolling Glasgow's streets is the ultimate deterrent to criminals. The geese will operate a zero tolerance approach to violence and anti social behaviour and will attack those who overstep the law."

A similar initiative "Los Gansos Policia" was launched in Madrid in 2011 and has seen crime rates plummet in the Spanish city. The Geese Police will start patrolling Glasgow's streets later this year.

Cakearma... No. 3 in series - The death of a sweet tooth

Following a lot of trouble with my teeth (one troublemaking molar in particular!!) and numerous trips to the dentists, despite my dentists being very handsome indeed and the fact that I live in the dawn of the age of DVD goggles, (You can watch a DVD on goggles!!!!) I have decided to abstain from sweets and cakes...and inevtibaly happiness as a result!? I am trying my very best to say cheerio to all my good friends from the world of confectionary and feel very sad indeed that my adventures with my friends from the biscuit tin are over! But c'est la vie.. everything passes so they say!

 

 

The Death of a Sweet Tooth

 

The sun sets and then it rises

Life is short and full of surprises

The only certain thing is nothing lasts

So love what is as all things must pass

Don't fixate on a twix you ate

or hear a wispa from the past call your name

Don't dream I beg of a Cadbury's cream egg

or a lion bar you once had to tame

A macaroon is often gone too soon

A french fancy is fleeting but great

Though the pineapple tart is always in your heart

only crumbs remain on the plate...

The Spritzer Plan - No. 1 in series....

Beware!! You think Tequila is your amigo....

...but Tequila is dangerous. It can turn on you....

... Join the Spritzer Plan. (Before it's too late!)

Cakearma... No. 2 in series.

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mr Kipling comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, cake for me.

And in my hour of darkness

Cakes are sitting right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, cake for me.

Cake for me, Cake for me, cake for me, cake for me.

Whisper words of wisdom, Cake for me.

And when the really hungry people

Living in the world agree,

Cake could be an answer, cake for me.

For though they may like savoury snacks there's

Still a chance that they will see

Cake could be the answer, Cake for me.

Cake for me, Cake for me. Cake for me, Yeah cake for me.

Cake will be an answer, Cake for me.

Cakearma...

And in the end....

..The cake you take...

is equal to the cake you make... (or buy!)





In the Summer Time - A Tribute to a Summer in Glasgow....

If Mungo Jerry had spent a summer in Glasgow they may not have been so upbeat!?

In the summer time when the weather is... beep,

you can stay in bed and catch up on your sleep.

In the summer time you wear PJs, you wear PJs all the time!

In the summer time when the weather is... bad,

and there's more rainfall than we've ever had.

In the summer time you got roast dinners, got roast dinners on your mind!

In the summer time when the weather is... blarg,

you can't even get from your house to the park.

In the summer time you feel like Noah, feel like Noah in his ark!

In the summer time when the weather is... crap,

and you pray to god that he'll turn off the tap.

In the summer time you take your brolly, take your brolly in your bag!