TOWIE questions...

Yours truly puzzled and befuddled

Having just watched last night's episode of The Only Way is Essex on ITV player questions are buzzing about my head like bees in a biscuit barrel. If you have answers to any or all of my TOWIE based questions please comment below as I am genuinely puzzled. Here are my TOWIE questions:

Q1. Did Mark Wright whisper to James Arg Argent when he was hugging him You will reach the stars?

       and if so...

Q2. Is this acceptable for one man to whisper to another in the UK today?

Q3. Does Joey Essex honestly wear those weird 70's/80's shiny sports shorts in real life or are they an "in joke" on set?

Q4. In light of the scene in last night's episode where Joey Essex and James Arg Argent attempted to (and I don't like saying this but there is no nice way to put it.) light their own and each others farts, is ITV carrying out some kind of test for the government to gauge the lethargy of the country following the riots in England a few months ago? Or some kind of psychological experiment to see if people will watch literally anything on T.V.?

Q5. Is the lighting of farts a true thing that men/boys do??

       and if so...

Q6. Why???

If you can shed any light on the questions above please let me know otherwise I will have to get Brian Pippin P.I. ... Master of Disguise to take a trip to Essex to get to the bottom (pun intended) of this. If truth be told I can't really afford to pay for Brian's outlandish expense claims so if you have the answers you would be doing me a big favour!

The Wright Stuff...

The Wright Stuff - The Oppression of Women in Post Modern Essex available soon in all good retailers priced £12.99

Following his tearful departure from The Only Way is Essex in last night's show Mark Wright is on his way to the Australian jungle to take part in this years I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. However, it seems like Mark Wright has more strings to his bow. Surprisingly Wright has penned his first book - The Wright Stuff - Ending The Oppression of Women in Post Modern Essex. A critique of the post modern consumerism driven world of Essex and the oppression that women face within it. Partly responding to Germaine Greer's famous, groundbreaking The Female Eunuch, and part landmark text bringing feminism slap bang into a new decade.

Wright explores issues that are affecting women, not just in Essex but all over the western world today. He describes the shackles of hair extensions and the branding of fake tan marking women and keeping them from realising their true potential. In one chapter Wright dissects the trend for fake nails, fake boobs and fake bums that have swept the female nation and concludes it is the result of male oppression molding women into human barbies unable to fend for themselves as they are physically unable to carry out the most simple of tasks such as opening a jar of pickles. 

Bed hopping Mark Wright seems an unlikely Feminist icon and has surprised his fans and critics alike with the direction his first book has taken, with one TOWIE fan tweeting "OMG! Mark Wright feminist?? PMSL! Would never have guessed he's really a ladeee!?" The world of Academia has similarly been shocked Wright's efforts. Professor Harriet Hausmann author of " Women, women, women are you looking for a good time? Women and leisure in 20th century Britain" and "There's more to life than bingo but it's a good start. Women's issues in the 21st Century" stated "Not since Greer published her groundbreaking Female Eunuch in the 70's has there been such a development in the women's liberation movement. Mark Wright will change the world. As women break free from the big hair, big boobs, high heels mentality and embrace the Wright Stuff a new wave of feminist theory begins." 

It seems that nobody was more surprised at this turn of events than Mark Wright himself who stated "I dunno I was just working hard on being the King of Essex, preparing mentally for going into the jungle and scribbling down a few ideas on the side when bam! Mark Wrights back and he has got the Wright stuff! I'm just hoping that women will see there's more to Mark Wright than sex god, footballer, fit body you know? I want them to see the real Mark Wright... and then I want them to come home with me... haha nah I'm only kidding! Or am I? Boom! Mark Wright is back!" It remains to be seen if Mark Wright will be crowned the King of the Jungle but at the moment his pioneering feminist theories will ensure success in his writing career. The Wright Stuff -  Ending The Oppression of Women in Post Modern Essex is coming out this week to coincide with the start of Mark's jungle adventures.

The Frankies...

The picture that sparked rumours - Frankie Cocozza snapped leaving Frankie Boyle's home earlier today.

After being sensationally booted off the show earlier today in a shock twist this weekend's X Factor live shows will see Frankie Cocozza return to perform as part of newly formed group "The Frankies." which is made up entirely of well known "Frankies" from the world of comedy, sport, music and oddly crime. The line up of the Frankies is revealed today as a world exclusive... 

The Frankies will feature X Factor hopeful Frankie Cocozza on vocals; Controversial comedian Frankie Boyle on lead guitar; Successful jockey and restauranter Frankie Detorri on bass guitar, Former member of girl group The Saturdays Frankie Sandford on percussion and finally notorious ex-criminal and gang member Mad Frankie Fraser on drums.

It is claimed that Gary Barlow is supportive of Frankie's decision to team up with other famous Frankies to form a Frankie based supergroup. "I'm delighted that Frankie has found musical soulmates in these other Frankies. I have seem them in rehearsals today and I have been blown away by how good they sound. Mad Frankie Fraser is keeping Frankie in check too and that is what that boy needs the guidance of an ex member of the criminal underworld to keep him focused at this stage in his career." 

A source with access behind the scenes at X Factor claims that judge Tulisa is furious at the decision to allow The Frankies to perform on Saturday's show. Tulisa, who mentors the groups, blasted "I think it's a joke that The Frankies have already been lined up for a live performance when Nu Vibe and the Risk have been thrown on the scrapheap like yesterday's moldy toast." It is claimed that on hearing the news Louis exclaimed "I like Frankie Boyle. I do! He looks like a popstar, he sounds like a popstar, he is a popstar!" he then added "I like Frankie Detorri. I do! He looks like a popstar, he sounds like a popstar, he is a popstar!" He then went on to say the same thing about the other 3 members of the newly formed Frankies. Kelly Rowland is said to have remarked "They got it down, they got it down!" before remarking more loudly "They got it down! They got it down!" 

It is rumoured that The Frankies will kick off their debut as a group on Saturday by covering the smash hit  "Bubbling Hot" by Pato Banton, which advocates equality and harmony between people of different backgrounds and appearance. Frankie Cocozza was heard to say "It sums us up perfect man... The Frankies are bubbling hot!" Tune in on Saturday to see if Frankie can turn his career around with this bold move. 

The Eyes of Nicki Minaj...

Beware!!

Nicki Minaj is always watching!!

Channel 4 launch "Nicki Minaj is always watching" their new reality T.V. show tonight at 10pm to much controversy. "Nicki Minaj is always watching" sees U.S. music artist Nicki Minaj living inside the walls in the homes of unsuspecting members of the British public, who have been nominated by friends and family to take part in the show. Every night channel 4 will be broadcasting footage of Nicki Minaj from hidden cameras and Minaj-cam, which has been cleverly installed directly into the eyes of Nicki Minaj, as she sneaks around contestant's houses. Nicki will be required to break into these homes and live in crawl spaces, attics, basements and any hiding place she can find in order to closely watch the residents and evade discovery for as long as possible. Nicki must live by foraging from the cupboards and fridges of the homes in which she is squatting unbeknownst to those who live there.As soon as she is discovered contestants must shout "Nicki Minaj is always watching." and try to catch Nicki who will then flee to the next contestants home.  The winning contestant who can capture Nicki will win a prize fund, which starts tonight at £1000 and doubles each night until Minaj is captured.

A scene from "Nicki Minaj is always watching" which launches tonight at 10pm on channel 4

Some critics have branded the show "sick" believing it will encourage burglary and stalking to break out across the country in a "crime mania" similar to the looting seen in the recent U.K. riots. Executives at Channel 4 defend the concept of NMIAW, as it is now been named by those debating the show on Twitter, by stating that "it is only a bit of fun." Professor Alan Crumble from the Psychology Department of University of Towcester disagrees stating "This will not be fun for those who discover to their surprise the American music artist Nicki Minaj has been living alongside them and watching them every hour of every day. I imagine it will be quite harrowing for them. Think of their children for gods sake." Nicki Minaj herself has been unavailable to comment as she is currently in an unspecified location until tonight's launch show at 10pm. 

Inside the World of... Celebrity Moustaches!

Tim's hollywood smile!

Today we meet Tim Henderson, world famous moustache of Hollywood actor Tom Selleck. Tim has been working as the trademark moustache of Tom Selleck for over twenty years. Their successful partnership started in 1990 after Tom parted ways with his previous moustache Albert Stanton following Albert's struggle with alcohol and drug abuse. Despite years of working together by the time Tom and Albert were enjoying success in the 1980's as Magnum P.I. and the moustache of Magnum P.I. respectively, there was a huge rift between the two off screen due to Albert's instability and violent outbursts. Famously Tom Selleck had to use an understudy moustache for some scenes in 3 men and a baby and the final series of Magnum P.I. But since Tom Selleck has teamed up with Tim Henderson the duo have gone from strength to strength playing a number of roles on the big screen, such as the smash hit blockbuster 3 Men and a little lady, and on the smaller screen aswell. It was while playing the role of Richard's moustache on the hugely popular comedy series Friends that Tim first met his wife Amanda, who was a producer on the show. 

Now entering their 22nd year of working together Tom Selleck and Tim Henderson are currently starring together in the second series of Blue Bloods, where Tim plays the moustache of New York Police Commissioner Frank Reagan. Tim describes the cast as one big happy family. "We have a lot of laughs between takes" chuckles Tim. "Tom will say to me.. Ready Tim? Give me your best performance. And I'll say... Okay Tom. Hair I go! Oh yes that really tickles Tom it gets him every time!" Tim currently lives in Malibu, California with his wife Amanda and their cat Monty. When he is not filming for his role of the moustache of Frank Reagan Tim enjoys keeping trim at the gym, playing golf with friends and wine tasting. 

Louis Theroux... America's Most Dangerous Pets

Oh how I love Louis Theroux! His bespectacled faux naivety never failing to draw those he encounters to spill more than they meant to and certainly more than they would to a Paxman haranguing. His softly softly catchee monkey approach really came into play in the recent documentary "Louis Theroux - America's Most Dangerous Pets." Though there was the unsettling fear throughout the show that the monkey, bear, tiger, lion or chimpanzee may in fact catchee Louis. Especially when Cooper the chimp smashed through the window of the house in which Louis and crew were cowering from his animal antics! But why would our stateside friends, who are known for their quiet, sensible approach to life keep animals better suited to roaming the wild in their own back yard!? There was women with child substitute monkeys that they showered with cuddles and kisses and dressed in children's clothing and jewellery. (What sort of establishment would pierce a monkey's ears!?) and then there were men with a power substitute parade of tigers or lions on leashes. Then there was Joe Exotic, an odd character somewhat summed up by his juxtaposition of a name, if you were going to the trouble of changing your surname to Exotic would you not be tempted to spice up your forename too!? Joe owns and runs a wildlife park consisting of 1400 animals, mainly lions and tigers or a combination of the two. Joe's forte is in fact the interbreeding of lions and tigers making ligers and tiligers and his latest project combining a liger and tiliger to create... wait for it... a saber tooth tiger!? I am not questioning Joe he is after all the expert! Joe's claims that if his wildlife park goes bankrupt he will euthanize all 1400 animals only added to an image of a crazy, mixed up, cross between Hitler and Noah, wiping out the animals two by two. So there you have it Louis gave us a glimpse of the plight of wild animals kept by a range of selfish or deluded odd balls. What's next for Louis? Louis Theroux.. America's most hated octopus or perhaps Louis Theroux... America's most dangerous musuem. Who knows! But I will be tuning in that is for sure!

Brian Pippin Investigates...

...The Case of the Wheelie Bin Fiend!

Shhh everyone Brian is on a stake out!

You may not believe this but  Brian Pippin is in this picture above. You probably won't spot him as he is very cleverly disguised. Brian is on the case of the Wheelie bin fiend who has "bin refuse(ing)" to stop putting their rubbish in somebody else's wheelie bin! What sort of a depraved monster are we dealing with I hear you gasp! Well never fear Brian Pippin P.I. is here! With his previous solve rate of 100%, his logical mind and ability to solve puzzles quickly and of course the fact that Brian Pippin P.I. is... the Master of Disguise! Brian Pippin will have the case of the Wheelie Bin Fiend cracked wide open in no time... 

Watch this space!