Tales from the Biscuit Tin: No. 4 in Series... The Jammy Dodger

The Jammy Dodger - I wonder if he considers himself at home now he's behind bars.

A crime based tale from the biscuit tin this week with the story of the Jammy Dodger, who was recently apprehended by police for pick pocketing on the streets of London. Upon his arrest it emerged that the Jammy Dodger has been the leader of a gang of criminal street biscuits who have been targeting the pockets of Londoners and visitors to the nation's capital for years. The arrest of the Jammy Dodger followed an undercover operation by Scotland Yard where one of their officers Cadburys Twirl was initiated into the nefarious activities of the criminal gang. The Jammy Dodger was heard to remark upon sentencing "What's to happen to the likes of me? Just trying to make a dishonest living for himself." 


But the story doesn't end there... There has been claims of a second shadowy figure in the biscuit underworld who is really behind the biscuit based pick pocket gang. The Jammy Dodger didn't give up this crummy character to the police but an anonymous source claims the biscuit really behind the crime spree is a Mr Fig roll, who instructs the young biscuits to steal in exchange for a tin over their heads.


However, the mention of this villainous fig roll hasn't changed the fate of the Jammy Dodger who has now been put behind bars for his part in this crime caper. 


An Excerpt of the recording from the wire worn by the undercover officer Cadburys Twirl...


[DODGER (spoken)]
So, Cadburys Twirl, you're coming with me.

[TWIRL (spoken)]
Are you sure Mr. Fig Roll won't mind?

[DODGER (spoken)]
Mind?!

[DODGER (breaks into song)]
Consider yourself a cookie
Consider yourself one of the confectionery
We'll make a cuppa tea so strong
It's clear your going to get along
Consider yourself well in
Consider yourself one of the biscuit tin
There isn't a lot to spare
Who cares?..all of the biscuits share!

Consider yourself dunked in
We don't want to have no crumbs,
For after some consideration, we can state
Consider yourself
one of us!

Danny Dyson celebrates International Womens Day...



Supporter of womens rights and self proclaimed feminist Danny Dyson



International Womens Day which aims to both highlight the struggle for equal rights and celebrate the achievements of women across the world has come a long way since it's launch in 1900.  It has many celebrity supporters but non more so than celebrity hardman hoover Danny Dyson. Danny stated "I love women. I was brought up by women. My mum was a woman. Women are just a massive thing for me."

Danny Dyson, who has made his name appearing in films as characters that are hooligans and criminals, feels he has been typecast for too long as a hardman. However, he is confident that his next role, playing an abusive serial killer, will change all that.

He said: "I play this serial killer who likes to kidnap women, abuse them and then kill them."




Fontaine says: Happy International Women's Day readers! In all seriousness it is an important day in the calendar and important to remember that although women have come a long way in the last century there is still a lot of work to be done to ensure global equality for women and to put an end to violence against women. To which my blog has contributed exactly nada! Be sure to read up on some proper coverage of this important issue!

The Haymaker Meets His Match...

 Lets hope it is fought in the right spirit when Haye meets Acorah in the ring!

I don't know what all the fuss is about. I for one am looking forward to boxing champ David Haye going head to head with Derek Acorah, well known spiritualist and star of Living TV's Most Haunted. Haye has been haunted by the scenes from last weeks press conference, which ended in a brawl between him and Medium weight Acorah. The controversial scenes shocked the nation and has left boxing fans calling for the grudge to be settled in the ring. Keep your eyes open for this impending fright night as it's sure to be spectretacular!

Danny Dyson's Deadliest Hardmen Hoovers...

Danny Dyson

Danny Dyson's Deadliest Hardmen Hoovers is a gritty and hard-hitting documentary series that sees Danny Dyson venturing into the dark depths of the British vacuum cleaner underworld and hunting down some of the most notorious and feared vacuum cleaners in Britain today. In this week's episode Danny Dyson meets Henry "the Hatchet" Hoover, whose trademark hatchet nozzle attachment strikes fear into the heart of dust and dirt across the UK. Dyson warns "Henry the Hatchet is not a hoover you want to make a mug of!" He is well known for his violent outbursts which leaves crumbs quaking and cobwebs cowering in fear of his wrath. As Dyson quips"Henry "the Hatchet" Hoover brings a whole new meaning to Shake and Vac."

Henry "The Hatchet" Hoover

Next week Danny Dyson meets Mad Vax the Carpet shampooing strangler whose infamous retractable cord has deadly repercussions for his enemies.

Dreams....

Fontaine's dreams

As eye patch wearing singer Gabrielle sings "dreams can come true" and my dreams of owning a slice of dual cyclone technology will be coming true when I pick up my shiny new Dyson this Friday! This may seem like a modest dream to some but overhearing (eavesdropping on) some children chatting in the Burrell Collection today it seems that some people dream bigger than others. 

Little Girl: If you had a million billion squillion pounds and you could buy anything in the world, whatever you wanted, what would you buy?

Little boy: I think I'd probably buy.... eh.... an iPhone 4S.

Little Girl: I would buy a holiday for two weeks.

Little Boy (realising that he has aimed a bit low in spending the million billion squillion pounds): Do you know what I would buy else?

Little girl: (Lost interest in the conversation crawling under the museum benches)

Little Boy (More loudly): Do you know what I would buy aswell?

Little girl: (disinterested) what?

Little Boy: A Time machine! 

Litttle Girl (Awestruck): Ooohh! If you could go back in time to any time in the whole wide world what time would you go back to?

Little Boy (serious face): Buckingham Palace. 

Little girl: To see the queen?

Little Boy: Yeah.

This boys wasting his million billion squillion pounds on a time machine when what he wants to buy is a train ticket. But at least his dreams of spending this imaginary fortune moved up a step from an iPhone 4S. I hope this isn't what the majority of children are dreaming of these days. I used to dream of flying houses. And now that the Dyson dream will be realised who knows what I'll be dreaming of....

The Greatest Glove Songs...

My Endless Glove

Why not treat the other half of your pair to The Greatest Glove Songs album this Valentines day. Featuring hits such as... 

My Endless Glove...

My glove, there's only you in my drawer, 

I can't fit in any more. 

My first glove, knitted by hands for hands, 

as snug as once was planned. 

And I, I want to share, my glove with you, 

No other glove will do. 

And my arm it tells me how warm it is. 

Oh yes, you will always be, my endless glove.

Two hands, two hands but just one glove. 

it can keep the whole world snug. 

Forever, I'll wear you up my arms, 

I can't resist your charm. 

My glove, I'll be a fool, for your wool I'm sure, 

You know I don't mind. 

Cause you, you mean the world to me. 

Oh, I know I've found in you, my endless glove.

And glove, I'll be that fool for your wool, I'm sure. 

You know I don't mind. 

And yes, you'll be the only glove. 

Cause no one can deny, 

This glove I have its fine. 

I'll give it all to you...

My glove, my glove, my endless glove.

The Greatest Glove Songs album hits the shops on February 14th just in time for Valentines day... That's handy!

Tales from the Biscuit Tin: No. 3 in series....

Poor Tea.

 A sad tale from the biscuit tin this week. Its the riches to rags tale of the biscuit who used to be known as the Rich Tea. Up until recent years Rich Tea enjoyed the wealth and lifestyle you would expect from Britain's most wealthy biscuit. However, the recent expansion and globalisation of the cake and biscuit industry, which has seen the boom times for the chocolate biscuit, has left this biscuit broke and sadly poor tea can now be seen living on the streets in UK towns and cities. 

The Rich Tea biscuit in happier times pictured enjoying success in 1948.

Poor tea now dreams of being spotted and given a make over by biscuit and cake mogul Mr Kipling in the hopes of hitting the big time once more!