Andy Bands & the Office Junior - No. 2 in Series...

Coming soon....

Join Britain's most belligerent boss Andy Bands as he scours the nation for his new Office Junior! 

Andy Bands & the Office Junior....

Introducing Andy Bands Britain's most successful business tycoon and the newest member of his business empire the office junior Pip. 

Andy Bands and Pip have an extremely busy time in the office coming up with moneyspinning business ideas....

... and making them a reality! 

Keep your peepers open for further glimpses into the business world of Andy Bands and the office junior Pip! 

With thanks to @EMcCrindle for introducing me to Andy Bands and Pip. 

Ruddy clocks...

Tonight's the night the clocks go back and as a result chaos will reign!!! What is it about this bi-annual time based mix up that puts the nation at sixes and sevens!?  

Twice a year it happens and twice a year the inevitable conversation starts about 3 to 4 days beforehand... "Clocks go forward this weekend.... Forward? No back surely?... Back? Spring forward, fall back, yes they must be going back.... Does that mean u get an extra hour in bed or do you lose an hour?... Well if it's really 8 o'clock it will actually be 7 o'clock soooo... We lose an hour... No we get an extra hour in bed.. Do we?... I dunno." And so on! This back and forth begins to take a turn for the frantic when the deadline is ticking ever closer like the giant clock in countdown counting down to the unveiling of the solution to the countdown conundrum! 

The clocks changing sums up Britain pretty well as nobody ever knows what's going on but our main concern at this perplexing time is always whether we get an extra hour or lose an hour in bed! It is never whether we get an extra hour or lose an hour of industry or whether we get an extra hour or lose an hour to spend with our loved ones. Nope. It's always a terrible fear of a whole hour of beautiful slumber being snatched away from us by a nameless, faceless thing by that we don't really understand, that fuels the relentless questioning of the whole changing clocks system. And when we lose an hour in bed by god! Some blame the government, some blame the farmers, I blame the clocks. Tick tock tick tock... on and on they go like mad time measuring bastards and just when you think you can trust them.... They change! 

By the way the clocks go forward tonight... No back definitely back! 

Bananadrama...

I like to draw a face on my daily banana then he's like a wee friend in the office... Until the clock strikes 11 then I eat him! 

                        The horror!

The Wonders of Science - No. 2 in series...

Introducing the Lobana...

Have scientists gone too far?

The Wonders of Science - No. 1 in Series...

The Crab Apple

Scientists shocked the world last night when they announced they have succeeded in splicing the DNA of a crab with the DNA of an apple to produce the world's first crabapple. 

This scientific breakthrough which mixes fruit and crustacean to form a fruistacean has left many shell shocked as they struggle to process the implications of this gamble with nature.

Many politicians have branded the scientists behind the creation of the crabapple as "irresponsible" and slammed their laboratory based antics as "playing god."

One of the leading scientists at the core of the crabapple creation has described it as a "very angry creature."

It is unclear what the next step may be in this DNA tombola. An inside source of the Scientific institute where the crabapple came to fruition has leaked the possibility of the team working to create a lobanana where the DNA of a lobster is mixed with that of a banana. 

Watch this space...

Geese Police - No. 1 in Series...

Have a gander at the newest member of Police Scotland...

Police Scotland are set to launch trials of a new crime fighting strategy that will see squads of angry geese keeping the peace on the streets of Glasgow. As a result of rising crime rates Glasgow's police force has felt under increased pressure to tackle violent and anti social behaviour leading to the recent decision to launch the geese police. There are hopes that this scheme could slash crime figures by up to 53%

The geese will be kept hungry and gaggles of the furious feathered crime fighters will be released at crime hotspots to round up troublemakers with honking, hissing, the flapping of wings and possibly the pecking or biting of offenders.

Critics of plans to police Glasgow's streets with angry geese have labelled the scheme "preposterous." and "bird brained" However, the Chief of the Geese Police - Goose handler Inspector Featherbottom is confident that the initiative will keep potential criminals in check. The Inspector recently enthused "Angry geese patrolling Glasgow's streets is the ultimate deterrent to criminals. The geese will operate a zero tolerance approach to violence and anti social behaviour and will attack those who overstep the law."

A similar initiative "Los Gansos Policia" was launched in Madrid in 2011 and has seen crime rates plummet in the Spanish city. The Geese Police will start patrolling Glasgow's streets later this year.

Cakearma... No. 3 in series - The death of a sweet tooth

Following a lot of trouble with my teeth (one troublemaking molar in particular!!) and numerous trips to the dentists, despite my dentists being very handsome indeed and the fact that I live in the dawn of the age of DVD goggles, (You can watch a DVD on goggles!!!!) I have decided to abstain from sweets and cakes...and inevtibaly happiness as a result!? I am trying my very best to say cheerio to all my good friends from the world of confectionary and feel very sad indeed that my adventures with my friends from the biscuit tin are over! But c'est la vie.. everything passes so they say!

 

 

The Death of a Sweet Tooth

 

The sun sets and then it rises

Life is short and full of surprises

The only certain thing is nothing lasts

So love what is as all things must pass

Don't fixate on a twix you ate

or hear a wispa from the past call your name

Don't dream I beg of a Cadbury's cream egg

or a lion bar you once had to tame

A macaroon is often gone too soon

A french fancy is fleeting but great

Though the pineapple tart is always in your heart

only crumbs remain on the plate...

The Spritzer Plan - No. 1 in series....

Beware!! You think Tequila is your amigo....

...but Tequila is dangerous. It can turn on you....

... Join the Spritzer Plan. (Before it's too late!)