Cakearma... No. 2 in series.

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mr Kipling comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, cake for me.

And in my hour of darkness

Cakes are sitting right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, cake for me.

Cake for me, Cake for me, cake for me, cake for me.

Whisper words of wisdom, Cake for me.

And when the really hungry people

Living in the world agree,

Cake could be an answer, cake for me.

For though they may like savoury snacks there's

Still a chance that they will see

Cake could be the answer, Cake for me.

Cake for me, Cake for me. Cake for me, Yeah cake for me.

Cake will be an answer, Cake for me.

Cakearma...

And in the end....

..The cake you take...

is equal to the cake you make... (or buy!)





In the Summer Time - A Tribute to a Summer in Glasgow....

If Mungo Jerry had spent a summer in Glasgow they may not have been so upbeat!?

In the summer time when the weather is... beep,

you can stay in bed and catch up on your sleep.

In the summer time you wear PJs, you wear PJs all the time!

In the summer time when the weather is... bad,

and there's more rainfall than we've ever had.

In the summer time you got roast dinners, got roast dinners on your mind!

In the summer time when the weather is... blarg,

you can't even get from your house to the park.

In the summer time you feel like Noah, feel like Noah in his ark!

In the summer time when the weather is... crap,

and you pray to god that he'll turn off the tap.

In the summer time you take your brolly, take your brolly in your bag!

Tales From the Biscuit Tin - No. 5 in series.... The Empire Strikes Back

A frightening tale from the biscuit tin this week which tells the story of when the biscuit bites back!

It seemed the the destruction of the empire biscuit community was imminent as one hungry office worker systematically chomped her way through no less than 5 empire biscuits a week over a period of months. This scoffing spree devasted the Empire biscuit population and created a growing resentment amongst those biscuits who had so far survived her ravenous rampage.

This resentment exploded in violence last week when the empire biscuit that our hungry villain had her eye on literally bit back and devoured it's adversary with an appetite in two bites.

Her colleagues later commented "She had a sweet tooth and she just couldn't resist the cherry topped treat. That cherry was a beacon to her. A beacon I tell you!"

The Empire Biscuit community have supported the biscuit in questions vigilante actions and have pledged to carry out similar attacks on anyone who approaches an empire biscuit with a hungry gleam in their eye. So...

...beware when choosing your teabreak snack
that the treat you choose doesn't bite back!
The cherry topped empire looks so appealing
But if it bites you first then you will be squealing
Go for a hobnob or a pink wafer
Although a bit dull a wafers much safer!

The Terrors That Lie Within.....(No.1 in series)

The Terrors That Lie Within.... The Stationery Cupboard!?!

Beware!!!! Terror and Horror can lie in the most unexpected of places. A quick glance through any accident book in the workplace will reveal the stationery cupboard to be a dark place of danger. Almost 85% of accidents in the UK take place in office stationery stores and I myself have fallen victim to this terrible terrible place.

Beware when opening the Samurai envelope...

In 2010 I suffered a papercut so bad that it reduced my normally professional work place persona to a blubbering wreck. The villain of this piece is an envelope! OMG I hear you say!? Yes a seemingly harmless paper product most commonly used as a carrier for the delivery of letters from one location to another. But what happens when envelopes turn bad!? Unfortunately what happened is too gruesome and bloody to describe in this pre watershed blog so I will let your imagination fill in the blanks. Needless to say I suffered the worst papercut a human being could endure. It later emerged that the envelope in question had been a samurai sword in a previous life and had retained its lethal sharpness in it's new incarnation as office stationery. But how was I to know!? I can only hope that my story will serve as a warning to others to beware of the terrors that lie within.... the stationery cupboard!

... it bites!

Next time we hear about "The Terrors That Lie Within.... The Garden Centre." Where one pensioner recently got more than they bargained for on a trip to popular garden centre Dobbies... Watch this space!

Did You Know....?

Did you know.... that actor Sean Bean features in every single film that has been made in both the UK and America since 1978? Whether it is a very small walk on part or the lead role Sean Bean will appear. You may not always be able to tell it is Sean Bean as he is a very clever and talented actor. The only tell tale signs that will let you know for sure will be his rugged good looks and gruff northern accent. 


See below for some popular movies that you may not have noticed Sean Bean in the first time around but see if you can spot him now....

Two men, a baby and Sean Bean.

Can you spot Sean Bean in the heroin addicted line up of hit movie Trainspotting?

Here he is the usual suspect... Sean Bean!

Sean Bean can be currently be seen in all major motion pictures showing at your local cinema!

Tales from the Biscuit Tin: No. 4 in Series... The Jammy Dodger

The Jammy Dodger - I wonder if he considers himself at home now he's behind bars.

A crime based tale from the biscuit tin this week with the story of the Jammy Dodger, who was recently apprehended by police for pick pocketing on the streets of London. Upon his arrest it emerged that the Jammy Dodger has been the leader of a gang of criminal street biscuits who have been targeting the pockets of Londoners and visitors to the nation's capital for years. The arrest of the Jammy Dodger followed an undercover operation by Scotland Yard where one of their officers Cadburys Twirl was initiated into the nefarious activities of the criminal gang. The Jammy Dodger was heard to remark upon sentencing "What's to happen to the likes of me? Just trying to make a dishonest living for himself." 


But the story doesn't end there... There has been claims of a second shadowy figure in the biscuit underworld who is really behind the biscuit based pick pocket gang. The Jammy Dodger didn't give up this crummy character to the police but an anonymous source claims the biscuit really behind the crime spree is a Mr Fig roll, who instructs the young biscuits to steal in exchange for a tin over their heads.


However, the mention of this villainous fig roll hasn't changed the fate of the Jammy Dodger who has now been put behind bars for his part in this crime caper. 


An Excerpt of the recording from the wire worn by the undercover officer Cadburys Twirl...


[DODGER (spoken)]
So, Cadburys Twirl, you're coming with me.

[TWIRL (spoken)]
Are you sure Mr. Fig Roll won't mind?

[DODGER (spoken)]
Mind?!

[DODGER (breaks into song)]
Consider yourself a cookie
Consider yourself one of the confectionery
We'll make a cuppa tea so strong
It's clear your going to get along
Consider yourself well in
Consider yourself one of the biscuit tin
There isn't a lot to spare
Who cares?..all of the biscuits share!

Consider yourself dunked in
We don't want to have no crumbs,
For after some consideration, we can state
Consider yourself
one of us!

Danny Dyson celebrates International Womens Day...



Supporter of womens rights and self proclaimed feminist Danny Dyson



International Womens Day which aims to both highlight the struggle for equal rights and celebrate the achievements of women across the world has come a long way since it's launch in 1900.  It has many celebrity supporters but non more so than celebrity hardman hoover Danny Dyson. Danny stated "I love women. I was brought up by women. My mum was a woman. Women are just a massive thing for me."

Danny Dyson, who has made his name appearing in films as characters that are hooligans and criminals, feels he has been typecast for too long as a hardman. However, he is confident that his next role, playing an abusive serial killer, will change all that.

He said: "I play this serial killer who likes to kidnap women, abuse them and then kill them."




Fontaine says: Happy International Women's Day readers! In all seriousness it is an important day in the calendar and important to remember that although women have come a long way in the last century there is still a lot of work to be done to ensure global equality for women and to put an end to violence against women. To which my blog has contributed exactly nada! Be sure to read up on some proper coverage of this important issue!

The Haymaker Meets His Match...

 Lets hope it is fought in the right spirit when Haye meets Acorah in the ring!

I don't know what all the fuss is about. I for one am looking forward to boxing champ David Haye going head to head with Derek Acorah, well known spiritualist and star of Living TV's Most Haunted. Haye has been haunted by the scenes from last weeks press conference, which ended in a brawl between him and Medium weight Acorah. The controversial scenes shocked the nation and has left boxing fans calling for the grudge to be settled in the ring. Keep your eyes open for this impending fright night as it's sure to be spectretacular!

Danny Dyson's Deadliest Hardmen Hoovers...

Danny Dyson

Danny Dyson's Deadliest Hardmen Hoovers is a gritty and hard-hitting documentary series that sees Danny Dyson venturing into the dark depths of the British vacuum cleaner underworld and hunting down some of the most notorious and feared vacuum cleaners in Britain today. In this week's episode Danny Dyson meets Henry "the Hatchet" Hoover, whose trademark hatchet nozzle attachment strikes fear into the heart of dust and dirt across the UK. Dyson warns "Henry the Hatchet is not a hoover you want to make a mug of!" He is well known for his violent outbursts which leaves crumbs quaking and cobwebs cowering in fear of his wrath. As Dyson quips"Henry "the Hatchet" Hoover brings a whole new meaning to Shake and Vac."

Henry "The Hatchet" Hoover

Next week Danny Dyson meets Mad Vax the Carpet shampooing strangler whose infamous retractable cord has deadly repercussions for his enemies.

Dreams....

Fontaine's dreams

As eye patch wearing singer Gabrielle sings "dreams can come true" and my dreams of owning a slice of dual cyclone technology will be coming true when I pick up my shiny new Dyson this Friday! This may seem like a modest dream to some but overhearing (eavesdropping on) some children chatting in the Burrell Collection today it seems that some people dream bigger than others. 

Little Girl: If you had a million billion squillion pounds and you could buy anything in the world, whatever you wanted, what would you buy?

Little boy: I think I'd probably buy.... eh.... an iPhone 4S.

Little Girl: I would buy a holiday for two weeks.

Little Boy (realising that he has aimed a bit low in spending the million billion squillion pounds): Do you know what I would buy else?

Little girl: (Lost interest in the conversation crawling under the museum benches)

Little Boy (More loudly): Do you know what I would buy aswell?

Little girl: (disinterested) what?

Little Boy: A Time machine! 

Litttle Girl (Awestruck): Ooohh! If you could go back in time to any time in the whole wide world what time would you go back to?

Little Boy (serious face): Buckingham Palace. 

Little girl: To see the queen?

Little Boy: Yeah.

This boys wasting his million billion squillion pounds on a time machine when what he wants to buy is a train ticket. But at least his dreams of spending this imaginary fortune moved up a step from an iPhone 4S. I hope this isn't what the majority of children are dreaming of these days. I used to dream of flying houses. And now that the Dyson dream will be realised who knows what I'll be dreaming of....

The Greatest Glove Songs...

My Endless Glove

Why not treat the other half of your pair to The Greatest Glove Songs album this Valentines day. Featuring hits such as... 

My Endless Glove...

My glove, there's only you in my drawer, 

I can't fit in any more. 

My first glove, knitted by hands for hands, 

as snug as once was planned. 

And I, I want to share, my glove with you, 

No other glove will do. 

And my arm it tells me how warm it is. 

Oh yes, you will always be, my endless glove.

Two hands, two hands but just one glove. 

it can keep the whole world snug. 

Forever, I'll wear you up my arms, 

I can't resist your charm. 

My glove, I'll be a fool, for your wool I'm sure, 

You know I don't mind. 

Cause you, you mean the world to me. 

Oh, I know I've found in you, my endless glove.

And glove, I'll be that fool for your wool, I'm sure. 

You know I don't mind. 

And yes, you'll be the only glove. 

Cause no one can deny, 

This glove I have its fine. 

I'll give it all to you...

My glove, my glove, my endless glove.

The Greatest Glove Songs album hits the shops on February 14th just in time for Valentines day... That's handy!

Tales from the Biscuit Tin: No. 3 in series....

Poor Tea.

 A sad tale from the biscuit tin this week. Its the riches to rags tale of the biscuit who used to be known as the Rich Tea. Up until recent years Rich Tea enjoyed the wealth and lifestyle you would expect from Britain's most wealthy biscuit. However, the recent expansion and globalisation of the cake and biscuit industry, which has seen the boom times for the chocolate biscuit, has left this biscuit broke and sadly poor tea can now be seen living on the streets in UK towns and cities. 

The Rich Tea biscuit in happier times pictured enjoying success in 1948.

Poor tea now dreams of being spotted and given a make over by biscuit and cake mogul Mr Kipling in the hopes of hitting the big time once more!

We Found Glove....

We Found Glove 

Lonely glove without its pair

left on the pavement no-one cares

Soaking wet out in the rain

a lost hat or scarf can't feel the pain

of a lonely glove who's lost his pair

but he's got to let it go

We found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

A lonely glove looks all around

but his pair just can't be found

And he can cry and he can moan

but this glove must go it alone

He's a lonely glove who's lost his pair

but he's got to let it go

We found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

we found glove in a hopeless place

Tales From the Biscuit Tin - No. 2 in Series....



My ex-friend Bourbon biscuit.

A sad tale from the Biscuit tin this week... meet Bourbon biscuit, who used to be a good friend of mine. Oh we've had some good times over the years! But since the start of January I have had to face the fact that I can no longer be friends with Bourbon. He is a bad influence on me. I now have a new group of friends like apple, banana and carrot sticks. They're not as much fun or as sweet as Bourbon but they're good for me.

Oh Bourbon you used to be the one

Me and you we used to have such fun

But my arch enemy the dentist

said we'd have to end our friendship

Every time I pass the biscuit tin

I wonder bourbon if you're in

and if you are I can not crack.

On you I have to turn my back.

But as I go to the fruit bowl I can't disguise

The tears that fall down from my eyes

But my heart I can not risk it

Oh how I miss you Bourbon biscuit!

Christmas - The Aftermath...

Chilling scenes in a popular Glasgow park earlier today. 

In what authorities have described as "Christmas tree recycling" the public have been urged to take their unwanted Christmas trees to a "reprocessing point." The site of this tree based horror is a car park in one of Glasgow's largest public parks, where the abandoned trees will be chipped and shredded and scattered in the area. Trees across the globe have sent messages of support to the their pine cousins in the UK. Trees based in the rainforests of South America, who have sadly lost a large part of their population in the last fifty years, have encouraged them to fight back by shedding their needles onto carpets in homes and cars across the country and by pricking those who try to dispose of them in this manner. 


At the same time as this Christmas tree killing spree many have also fallen victim to bad weather over the last month with several trees being uprooted during the hurricane force winds. I urge you to spare a thought for those trees left standing this January it will be a bleak start to the year for those who are pining for their lost forest friends. 

Oh the Irony: No. 1 in series Captain Jack Startle....

 

In the first of the "Oh the Irony" Series, in which we focus on those who are living an ironic life, we meet 65 year old Jack Startle who captains fishing boat The Angry Kracken off the coast of Cornwall. Captain Startle ironically suffers from a rare form of Tourettes syndrome - Nautical Tourettes Syndrome, otherwise called NTS. Sufferers of Nautical Tourettes Syndrome shout out words of a nautical nature involuntarily and without warning. Jack has suffered from NTS all his life but claims his condition had no bearing on his decision to make a living from the sea. Startle states "It's a sailors life for me, I'm no landlubber. People try to make fun of me and make me look like an ANCHOR fool but I just think they are ignorant BARNACLES. My father's life was fishing SHIP and my life is fishing SHIP."

Hats off to Captain Jack who weathers the storm of Nautical Tourettes Syndrome everyday in his life on the open seas. 

Happy New Detox....

Poor Fontaine - Done in!

Well well well 2012 is here! Because I greeted the new year as tradition dictates, by being far far far too drunk, I inevitably spent New Years Day in my jammies watching Only Fools and Horses and crying so... 

(belated) Happy New Year one and all!

Cut me out these jammies

and take off my Christmas socks.

Switch Only Fools and Horses off

it's time for the festive binge detox.

Pack away the decos

and the sequined, sparkly frocks.

Hoover up the pine needles

and start to ration out the chocs.

Take the empties to the bottle bank

of vodka, gin and wine.

After Christmas it's unacceptable

to drink before lunchtime!